Navigating potential adult ADHD diagnosis & anxiety in motherhood
A mom of young children with difficulty focusing, emotional sensitivity, brainfog, forgetfulness and intense feelings of stress.
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The information provided herein is for informational purposes only and is not intended as a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition.
“You don’t have ADHD, you’re an anxious, working mother of three young kids…maybe you’re burned out.”
My brain felt completely fried. I was flailing and failing at everything I tried to do. I consistently forgot important things (I even forgot to pick my kids up from camp one day which I still can’t believe really happened!), missed deadlines, gave the kids the wrong lunches and showed up for a doctor appointment on the wrong day. We were drowning in unfolded laundry, random pieces of toys everywhere and SO MUCH paper. We never seemed to have the right ingredients to make anything for dinner (not to mention I didn’t have the energy for cooking by the end of the day). And when I did have time to focus on a task, I just couldn’t do it. I would start thinking about the millions of other things that also needed to get done until I became so overwhelmed that I basically just stared like a deer in headlights at my multiple, growing to-do lists.
Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE being a mom. Like in a sometimes very annoying way, I just love it. Maybe because I had to fight so hard to become one (a story for another day), but despite that, or maybe because of it, I work really, really hard to be the best mom I can be. And that can (and does) conflict regularly with any typical working day (like when three kids pass various viruses back and forth to each other for weeks at a time!). But I wasn’t loving parenting or really anything for a while.
Thanks to my Google searches and social media algorithms, I was soon inundated with a ton of information about ADHD. Particularly ADHD in females, which I’ve learned can present very differently from the more widely known type associated with hyperactive young kids (most often males).
I was desperate to find answers to why all of this was happening and more importantly, what I could do about it. None of it was unfamiliar but these things never happened at the same time and at this level. I mentioned it to my Psychiatrist, my therapist and in my annual physical with my regular doctor. The consensus generally seemed to be that these issues were related to generalized anxiety in motherhood. I was not satisfied with that (because how was I supposed to just live my life that way?! Failing at literally everything!) so my first step was to learn more about my symptoms and what could be causing them.
Understanding Inattentive ADHD
Inattentive ADHD, a subtype of Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), is commonly characterized by the symptoms below (and I checked all of the boxes):
✅Difficulty Sustaining Attention: Find it challenging to maintain focus on tasks that require sustained attention, leading to incomplete work or frequent errors.
✅Easily Distracted: A common symptom involves being easily distracted by external stimuli, making it difficult to concentrate on the task at hand.
✅Forgetfulness: Forgetfulness related to daily activities or obligations is prevalent. This may include forgetting appointments, deadlines, or even routine tasks.
✅Organization Issues: Individuals may struggle with organizing tasks and activities, often leading to a sense of disarray in their personal and professional lives.
✅Avoidance of Tasks Requiring Sustained Mental Effort: Due to the difficulty in sustaining mental effort, tasks that demand prolonged concentration may be avoided.
Ummm reading all of this is making me anxious, what about you?! I’ve been learning a lot about anxiety in motherhood and the complexities of distinguishing between different mental health conditions and the demands of modern-day motherhood. Here’s some of what I learned about anxiety…
Understanding Generalized Anxiety Disorder
Anxiety is a normal human emotion, but when it becomes excessive and persistent, it can evolve into an anxiety disorder. Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) is a common form of anxiety characterized by excessive worry and fear about everyday situations. I’ve had this diagnosis since my early 20’s and these are some of the common symptoms…
✅Excessive Worry: Constant, uncontrollable worry about various aspects of life, including family, work, health, or future events.
✅Restlessness: A feeling of being on edge or restless, often accompanied by muscle tension.
✅Fatigue: Persistent feelings of tiredness, even without engaging in physically demanding activities.
✅Irritability: Easily becoming agitated or irritable, particularly in response to stressors.
✅Sleep Disturbances: Difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep, leading to disrupted sleep patterns.
Yep, checked all of those boxes too! You can see why I was so lost and didn’t know where to go for help. First, I had a bit of a breakdown at work and decided I absolutely needed a time out to get myself together. I was very fortunate to have the option to take a short-term mental health leave from my job which was the first step to my journey of self-discovery and life improvement. Getting a break and some renewed perspective and purpose has been game changing for me (and if it’s an option, it could be for you too).
I eventually found a Neuropsychologist that could diagnose ADHD. Fast forward a few weeks after my ‘breakdown’ and there I was, sitting in this doctor’s office, staring at his several degrees on the wall above him and trying to make my case for my diagnosis (because I was convinced I was right in this). After more than an hour of questions, he said (I’m paraphrasing because I kind of blacked out on and off throughout this), very kindly, “Honestly, based on what you’ve said here over the past hour, I don’t see an indication of ADHD. Mainly because you don’t recall these challenges in childhood but you do recall being anxious sometimes as a kid. I think you are a working mom with young kids who is overwhelmed and has anxiety which can also lead to everything you described. Anxiety in motherhood is very common…
“You wouldn’t believe how many mothers of young children I see who have the exact same concerns. Being a parent, especially a working mom, in today’s world is very challenging.”
And that last statement of his just really hit me hard. Is that really true? Are there others like me? There can’t be that many… every other mom I see seems to have their shit together WAY more than I do. But, maybe real life is just like life on social media, everyone uses filters and puts their best, most edited selves out there for all to see while secretly being giant disasters (like me all of the time) in private. Maybe.
I can’t just accept that this drowning feeling is how life is supposed to be.
As you can see below, I was experiencing some things from each of these symptoms lists. According to the doctor, it was anxiety in motherhood which led to burnout but I still feel like I have always had some symptoms of ADHD too. But, does it really matter? Whatever you call it, it’s not an acceptable way of spending my short time here on earth and an official “diagnosis” wasn’t going to make a difference (I am already taking medication that works for anxiety and inattentive ADHD). I needed to make some changes to improve my quality of life.
I am sharing all of this because I want other moms to know that if you’re experiencing similar feelings of being unable to juggle it all and just generally feel like you’re failing at everything, you’re not alone. We don’t need to suffer alone or be ashamed of finding things difficult. They ARE difficult. And a lot of these things are signs of BURNOUT (or ADHD or Anxiety or all of them combined). Now I’m out on a limb starting a new chapter in my work life in order to find more balance and flexibility to focus on my family. I know I am extremely lucky and privileged to have these opportunities available to me. I hope that my taking this alternative route to dealing with my struggles and sharing my experience can eventually help others dealing with similar things.
Whether you’re dealing with anxiety, ADHD or burnout, there is not only overlap in symptoms but also similar strategies to manage them that I find helpful:
Seek professional help - As I mentioned above, I had several professionals that I consulted throughout the time I was struggling. Medication helped with anxiety and feelings of depression that I was experiencing but definitely didn’t eliminate them (mostly because some of it was situational and warranted given my overflowing to do lists and inability to accomplish anything). Having a therapist to talk to and a primary physician that I trust also helped. I would say if you’re experiencing anything similar, it would be worth the time to reach out for support.
Manage expectations (yours and others’) - This is by far the biggest one for me. Like so many others like me, I want to be Super Mom and an engaged, productive and reliable employee at all times. I’ve had to re-evaluate what that looks like and what’s truly possible for me. I’ve had to learn to accept that I can’t be all things to all people at all times. Simplify your life, focus on what’s truly important and eliminate or minimize whatever is causing the most stress whenever possible.
Reprioritize - I knew that a major source of my stress was the conflicting priorities of work and parenting. My children are young and get sick a lot and although we are fortunate enough to have very involved grandparents to help us out, watching them when they’re sick is not always possible or fair to anyone. Plus, my husband and I agree that we want at least one of us to be present at as many school functions/events as possible. We want our presence to be felt and remembered by our kids. I know this is another of my many privileges that not everyone has but I mention it because, regardless of your circumstances, it could help to look for creative changes that can be made to minimize some of the causes of your stress. For us, that change was a big risk and change to my work life, for you, it could just be purposefully carving out time for yourself to participate in a hobby once a week. Or picking one night a week to have some purposeful, quality time with your kids.
Find your “village” - Whenever I thought about this I had images of small towns where everyone knows each other and looks out for each other like in the Netflix show “Virgin River” or some of my favorite light reading by Nora Roberts. BUT what I’m learning now is that this can come in a variety of forms and does not even need to include babysitters or caretakers (although it definitely can!). I found two separate groups of local moms who are down to earth, have great senses of humor and probably most importantly, openly share their struggles with parenting life and help to assure me that I am NOT alone in how I feel. So even when there are elements of my situation that I can’t really change, just knowing someone else feels it too, really helps (I hope that is the case for you too hearing about my journey).
Get moving - Although I’d love to be 20+lbs lighter, this isn’t about weight loss or how you look in your clothes. This is about the connection between your mind and your body and how significantly they impact each other. And believe me, I hate to be the one to say this because I generally feel like I’m being punished when I exercise. But walking has been my exercise of choice when the weather allows for it and it’s actually been pretty enjoyable. Being outside and focusing my attention on nature, even if it’s just keeping my eyes aimed at the treetops and the sky while walking my neighborhood, helps to calm my mind immensely. A trick I like to use to encourage myself to go for walks is audiobooks. I find one that I really enjoy and will only allow myself to listen to it if I’m walking. Nothing like a little self-bribery to enforce healthy habits (and if I happen to lose the extra weight, I wouldn’t be mad either)!
Mindfulness - I consider my nature walks a way of being mindful, especially when I take a break from the audiobook and just focus on what I’m feeling, seeing and hearing on my walk. I’ve learned that you don’t have to sit still on the floor and meditate to be mindful (although meditation is another great tool that helps too). If I’m out with the kids or with family, I’m trying to spend less time on my phone or taking pictures and instead focusing on the experience. Doing this can help me notice more positive things in my day to day life and appreciate the simple things.
There are many other potential strategies to help address ADHD, anxiety, burnout or the stress of juggling life and motherhood. These are just the ones that have helped me the most so far. Check out the resources below that are some of my favorites that helped me address these challenges over the past few months too.
With Love,
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From conversations with other women and my research during my mental breakdown awakening, I’ve discovered that I am not, in fact, as alone as I felt dealing with the pressures of being a professional woman and dedicated parent. Burnout seems to be spreading like wildfire and I’m desperate to find ways to help. Below are some of my favorite resources I found so far. Enjoy!
Note: This blog may contain affiliate links. If you make a purchase through these links, I may earn a commission at no additional cost to you. Please be assured that I only recommend products or services that I personally prefer and genuinely believe will provide value to my readers.
An amazing tool that I have found to be so helpful in my quest to be more mindful (i.e. peaceful) is mindfulness.com. They have mindfulness meditations on all topics and all lengths, sleep stories, music, nature sounds and more. It’s the #1 mindfulness app for a reason!
As I mentioned above, I find audio books to be a great source of distraction/entertainment when I’m going on a walk or doing any undesirable task. They also have podcasts or kids’ books that can make a long car ride almost enjoyable for the whole family…almost wink. I have been using audible for years and I always have credits available for new books whenever I’m ready. Click here to learn about audible subscriptions.
A “must listen” audiobook:
Now if you’re looking for an engrossing, incredibly entertaining and all around fantastic audiobook, you have GOT to listen to Viola Davis’ memoir: Finding Me. There is a good reason why she won the 2023 Grammy award for best audiobook. This is not “light” listening but so amazing to hear about Viola’s life and everything she’s been through to get where she is. FIVE STARS! Highly, highly recommend!!
Another fantastic audiobook:
Remarkably Bright Creatures by Shelby Van Pelt. This unexpectedly entertaining, witty and thoughtful story that centers around a widow and her connection to an octopus may sound crazy, but I’m telling you, I loved listening to this. The people representing the voices of the characters are just fantastic. It’s lighter than Viola Davis’ story but I found it just as entertaining.
I love to write (obviously, otherwise why would I choose to start a blog in 2024?!) but I’ve never managed to get myself into the daily practice of journaling. I mentioned this during one of my therapy sessions and my therapist recommended something that takes minimal time but will have the biggest impact. So I purchased The Five Minute Journal (and I think you should too). It really doesn’t take more than five minutes, comes with simple prompts and questions to respond to and I honestly think it did help me become more mindful. I find myself having more patience and gratitude when I get on a good streak of writing in it (yes, I am a mom of three and consistency is an issue for me!).
HYDRATION. Everyone says it but do you really do it? I do.I am SUPER hydrated because this is my Emotional Support Water Bottle. I literally never go anywhere without it. If I’m going upstairs, it’s coming with me. Five minute drive? Yep. I would even turn around to get it if I forgot it. Water is good for you for so many reasons but for me, it really is like a safety blanket. This particular Sendestar bottle keeps things hot or cold for many, many hours. It comes in tons of colors with different top options and most importantly to me, it is 32 oz and still fits in my car cupholder! I know there are other more trendy/popular bottles out there, but I’ll be sticking with this one. And yes, this is the color that I chose, my daughter says it looks like a sunset, the colors make me happy but, really, it’s unique and easy to spot for the inevitable “Magoo moments” when I leave it somewhere (at least 5 times a week).
