In Parent-Teacher Conferences recently, we had about 10 minutes to discuss each child’s progress and overall experience in school so far this school year. The first meeting started late (because the parent before me I’m sure had a hard time getting through everything they wanted to say in the allotted time), and my next child’s meeting was scheduled immediately after it. The teacher and I jumped right in and automatically started on any area we thought the child was struggling in. One child was having challenges with reading and the other with math. We discussed what we could do at home to help support them and what the teachers’ plans were to address these challenges in school. The next thing I knew, our time was up! I didn’t ask many of the questions I wanted to ask, and I didn’t get to hear much about the positives. Where were they thriving? What were their strengths in the school setting? What could we all do (family and school) to help nurture these strengths and possibly apply them to their areas of struggle? I left those conferences just feeling like I needed more information and that I was letting my kids down somehow.

I think this experience of focusing on the negatives, especially when it comes to parenting and education is something that most parents and teachers are unfortunately very familiar with. Even when we think about ourselves, as adults, it’s so easy to list our shortcomings or things we’d like to improve. It can be much more difficult to list our strengths and talents. Why is that? And is there something we could do to change it?

In terms of human evolution and characteristics that are rooted deep in our DNA, the negativity bias is something that originally, helped us survive. Unfortunately, this ingrained need to seek out and avoid potential enemies, dangerous terrain or poisonous berries now translates as a source of anxiety or at the very least, a ‘glass half empty’ view of life.

As parents, we want more than this for our kids, but our culture hasn’t supplied us with the tools needed to find strengths, positive characteristics and embrace and grow them…until now! I recently read a fantastic book: The Strength Switch: How the new science of Strengths-Based Parenting can help your child and your teen flourish by Lea Waters, PhD. This book opened my eyes to one of the best parenting approaches I’ve come across that makes so much sense and addresses the sinking feeling I had in those parent-teacher conferences. I realized that focusing on the negatives (or challenges or areas of need) was doing a disservice to the children and adding stress to the already difficult job of parenting. I think this is something that every adult that has an impact on children should be well versed in. I hope you find this as interesting and helpful as I do. The concepts are pretty simple, although putting it into practice can have its challenges. But, hey- would it even be parenting if it wasn’t challenging? Not in my experience!

Defining Strengths-Based Parenting

As you can assume from the name, Strengths-Based Parenting revolves around identifying, celebrating, and enhancing the inherent strengths and positive qualities within each child. It consciously steers away from the conventional fixation on fixing weaknesses and instead centers on amplifying a child's natural strengths, talents, and positive attributes. Imagine focuses on building on what a child does well, fostering a positive environment where both parent and child can thrive.

Recognizing Individuality

One of the foundational aspects of strengths-based parenting that I love is its celebration of individuality. As any parent of multiple kids can attest to, every child is unique (and if you have twins, as I do, you really get to see how their differences are just innate…they have the same experiences and environment, yet they couldn’t be more different.) So, there are no ‘one-size-fits-all’ strategies for parenting. Strengths-based parenting encourages parents to tailor their strategies to the specific needs, strengths, and interests of each child. The thought is that by embracing individuality, parents can unlock their child's full potential.

Weaknesses and Strengths-based Parenting

Strengths-based parenting rejects the notion of fixing perceived weaknesses. Instead, it embraces a holistic view, understanding that true growth and development come from identifying and capitalizing on existing strengths. Instead of problem-focused parenting (like spending parent-teacher conferences talking about struggles only), this parenting approach tells parents to redirect their energy toward positive and constructive solutions.

Traditional models often focus on fixing what's considered 'wrong' with a child (which we all have experienced). Strengths-based parenting, on the other hand, sees challenges as opportunities for growth. It's a shift from dwelling on weaknesses to embracing and enhancing the strengths that lie within each child.

Encouraging a Growth Mindset

If you’re familiar with this blog, then you probably already know that I’m mildly obsessed with the concept of a growth mindset and trying to make sure my kids have one. From what I’ve read, the strengths-based parenting approach helps children to believe that abilities can be developed through dedication and hard work. Mistakes are not viewed as failures but as opportunities for learning and growth. This mindset can be the foundation for resilience and a lifelong love for learning (or at least that’s what they say and what I’m hoping for).

I vividly remember one day in fourth grade when we were practicing multiplication tables. My teacher was randomly picking students to answer questions on the spot. As someone who is naturally anxious, this was NOT the best approach for me to learn. When I was picked, I totally froze, couldn’t even comprehend the question that was being asked. My teacher looked angry and impatient and said something to the effect of “you should know this by now”. And there, my friends, is where my belief that I was incapable of succeeding in math began. I literally have carried that belief throughout my entire life because I was CONVINCED that I just wasn’t smart enough or didn’t have the right skills to be good at math. If strengths-based parenting and teaching had been available at that time in the good ol’ 80’s, maybe things would be different. Do I think I’d be an Accountant or Statistician right now? No, my natural talents and strengths definitely fall in the realm of English Language Arts and creative tasks. BUT, if I had known how to approach math with a growth mindset, I could’ve seen this challenge as just an opportunity for improvement. Maybe I would’ve thought that with effort and dedication, I could’ve used some of my other strengths to help me overcome these math obstacles.

During my month of introspection and re-evaluation, I found myself, for what felt like the thousandth time in my life, searching for answers to the age-old question “What do I want to be when I grow up?”. Yes, I’m in my 40’s and yes, I still wasn’t sure of the answer. I listened to another excellent book called The Search by Bruce Feller that provided a lot of exercises and thought-provoking ideas meant to help someone find their life’s purpose. Part of the book mentioned reaching out to the people that know you best – friends, family – and ask them what your strengths are and what they would come to you for if they needed something. This exercise showed me that I was not the only one who struggles with identifying their strengths on their own. Living in a culture that frowns upon bragging in general also does not help. So, when I asked my friends and family these questions, I got some really great insights into my talents and also how others perceive me. This gave me the courage to reflect more honestly and eventually led to my decision to transition to a freelance, entrepreneurial career that would emphasize my desire to help others, to be creative, to write and to continue my passions of learning and parenting and sharing what I’ve learned with others. And the research in the Strength Switch not only guides parents in supporting their children, but it’s also a valuable resource for parents themselves. To identify their strengths and find ways to leverage them to improve their lives. What impeccable timing was this for me, right? The revelations I found through these books which seem so simple and obvious in many ways, have really shifted the way I look at myself and my children and how I think about their academic careers and lives as a whole.

Doesn’t all of this sound awesome?! Imagine if you grew up with your parents (and teachers for that matter) pointing out your strengths to you and advising you on how you can use them in your everyday life! How much easier would it have been to pick a major in college or to answer that “what are your strengths/weaknesses?” question in job interviews? Not to mention if you grew up with a growth mindset…what a gift that is!

But it can be easier said than done. Especially thanks to that “negativity bias” I mentioned earlier. So here are some ideas of how to incorporate strengths-based parenting into your daily life…

Create an Environment of Support

Open Communication - Engage in regular conversations with your child to understand their thoughts, feelings, and experiences. Actively listen without judgment, providing a safe space for them to express themselves. This fosters trust and allows you to gain insights into their strengths and interests.

Encouragement and Praise - Positive reinforcement goes a long way in nurturing strengths. Acknowledge and celebrate your child's achievements, both big and small. Offer specific praise that highlights their efforts and accomplishments. This not only boosts their confidence but also reinforces a positive self-image.

Provide Opportunities for Growth

Extracurricular Activities - Whether it's sports, arts, or academics, extracurricular activities give kids a chance to explore and showcase their talents. I know there are tons of options for extracurriculars these days and they can be very expensive and overwhelming schedule-wise. When it’s possible, we try to approach most activities seasonally and only do two-three things maximum per “season” (Ex. Taekwondo and gymnastics in the winter, swimming and T-ball in the Spring, etc.). It’s helpful to pay attention to the kids’ interests and support their participation in activities that align with their strengths whenever you can. Expose them to a variety of options, allowing them to discover where their passions and talents lie. This not only enhances their skills but also provides valuable experiences that contribute to personal growth.

Hobbies and Exploration - Encourage your child to explore different hobbies and interests. Hobbies not only serve as a source of joy but also offer opportunities for skill development. Whether it's painting, coding, or playing a musical instrument, these activities can become avenues for them to express their creativity and cultivate their strengths. I know in my recent soul-searching experience looking for my dream career, I came across several articles, books, podcasts and online quizzes that all suggested to look to hobbies and things I enjoyed in childhood for signs of what I would enjoy as a job in adulthood. I wonder if I had consistently nurtured my hobbies and interests throughout my life instead of putting them to the side for more “practical” matters, maybe I would’ve found my way to my ideal career sooner (ahh hindsight, you jerk). Anyway, there’s still a chance for our kids so hopefully we can help them find things they love and are passionate about.

Setting Realistic Expectations – The other side of focusing on the positives is the risk of getting too extreme with our expectations or even our praise. Strengths-based parenting wants us to create a supportive environment by setting achievable goals that challenge our children without overwhelming them. Adjusting expectations based on their individual pace of development, allowing them to experience success and build confidence without unnecessary pressure.

Collaborate to Identify Strengths

Active Involvement in Strengths Discovery - Engage in open conversations with your children about their strengths and interests. Encourage them to share their perspectives on what they excel at and what brings them joy. By actively involving them in the process, you empower them to take ownership of their strengths.

Adjust Parenting Styles

Flexibility in Parenting Styles - Flexibility in parenting styles is crucial when supporting diverse strengths. Recognize that what works for one child may not necessarily work for another. Be open to adjusting your parenting style to accommodate the unique needs and strengths of each child. This flexibility contributes to a balanced and supportive family environment.

Although this gives a nice synopsis of what you can expect from the book, I highly recommend you get yourself a copy of Lea Waters’ book The Strength Switch: How the new science of Strengths-Based Parenting can help your child and your teen flourish. If you’re a visual learner (do you know what your strengths are? 😊), you can get the book here. This book provides real-life examples and scenarios that really helped me grasp how I could realistically bring strengths-based parenting into our home. I will admit that it is something that we forget to do every once and a while (ok, a lot), but we have noticed the kids recognizing some of their strengths on their own which is so awesome to see! Everyone has things big and small that they are good at and each skill or characteristic can be used in school and work to not only excel but find peace and happiness in your days.

I hope you found this information useful for your parenting journey and I’d love it if you shared it with someone you know who might also like it!